Developing a Mindset for Success

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Welcome back to another episode of Zebra Talks. I’m your host, Sabina Ramkasun, Health and Wellbeing Director at Zebra Health. This morning, we’ll be talking to Anne-Marie Graham. Anne is a mindset and performance coach.

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She supports clients to achieve their goals with a combination of techniques focused on amplifying mindset awareness strategies, individual growth and empowerment and their habit formation. Welcome Anne-Marie, it’s great to have you here today.

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Thank you very much. It’s been lovely to be here. So let’s get started. I’m interested to hear if you could tell us a little bit more about yourself and how you came to become a mindset and performance coach.

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Yeah, sure. So I’m a nurse by profession and so I started my clinical career in neuroscience back in 1997. So I’ve always been fascinated with, you know, the brain and how it works, the mind, why some people do what they do, why some people do so well and other people don’t.

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So the coaching element as well, that was another thing that attracted me into neuroscience where it’s very much about coaching because you’re dealing with patients who may need to learn to walk again, talk again, you know, dress themselves, feed themselves.

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So there’s a huge element of having to empower that in them to be able to change what they need to do. So that’s really where it started. And then I had my own health business for about 14 years and I’ve been doing the coaching then since 2015.

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And again, that came out of always being on kind of coaching and mentoring panels, even when I wasn’t busy myself. So it’s just something that it’s my area of passion really, self development, self growth and then empowering people to just get the best out of themselves because we all have infinite potential and such power that we don’t use or maybe we don’t realise.

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So that’s really where my background has been. So fascinating. and definitely can hear that passion coming through when you’re speaking about it. You know, the mindset success strategy that you use with your clients, are you able to share how you might work with clients for the listeners who have never heard of this approach or aren’t really familiar with coaching in general?

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Yeah, there’s kind of four key things that run through with all the clients I work with. The first thing I work with individuals or groups, so be it a corporate team, a senior leadership team or individuals, is what is it that you really want?

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A lot of us, we either don’t set a goal, we set a very safe goal that’s not high enough, it doesn’t stretch us, it doesn’t grow us, it doesn’t take us out of our comfort zone. So that’s one of the first things I can do.

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get people to really look at what is it you really want, where is your passion, where do you think your purpose is, are those things aligned in your life the way you’re living your life at the moment.

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So obviously career is a big part of us and workplace is a big part of us. Then we look at where, so our thoughts are created in our mind. So in order to change behaviour we have to look at the way we think.

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So we find what we focus on and that comes from the way we think. So what I work with individuals on is first of all to identify what their thinking pattern is and it’s not just a case of is it positive or is it negative.

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We have what are called paradigms which are basically mental programs that run underneath the surface. These were created for us in our little lives by our parents, by society, by schools, by you know friends, colleagues.

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But they tend to drive our behaviour and those behaviours become habits. So another thing that I get people to do very early on is look at what behaviours are serving them and helping them get towards a goal and what behaviours are not.

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Self-image is probably the biggest thing from a personal development space that I work with individuals on. That can be a very deep area for some people to go because that tends to, our self-image tends to control every single thing that we do.

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So we will never outperform a pure self-image consistently. You know you can push with willpower and you can push with saying I’m going to do it for 30 days or I’m going to do it for 60 days. But eventually our self-image which is our self-belief, the way we see ourselves, the way we talk to ourselves, the way we think about ourselves.

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For years I confuse self-image with when I look in the mirror how do I see but it’s about so much more than that. So I go quite deep with people to look at where their self-image is and then it’s about accountability.

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So I look at okay what are you doing that’s productive, what are you doing that’s not serving you, and how can we do more of what’s productive and eliminate. and eradicate what’s not productive. So it sounds like a very simple process, but I mean, typically I work with people for a minimum of six months.

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Now I work with some people for more, depending on what the needs are, but it does take six months to really get into, because all of this stuff is in our subconscious mind. Our subconscious mind controls the behavior.

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So our conscious mind is just our senses. And we have so many thoughts flooding into our conscious mind every day. We tend to just react to a lot of them, but we tend to respond to what’s in our subconscious mind, even though we might be aware of what that is.

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So that’s kind of a simplified version of the process. But it’s great that you’re able to explain it in such simple terms for people who are thinking about, you know, is this the right time to think about how I can come to making some of these changes.

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And I think the pandemic as a whole has made people really think about what they value, how they’re living their life, whether it’s in alignment with that or whether there are changes that they would like to make.

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And, you know, making mistakes and failing along this process of change is very common, but it’s also vital to our development. And in goal setting, we know that success is not always a linear process.

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It’s not always just setting that goal and then the next week you’ve achieved it. As you said, it can take up to six months and sometimes longer. So just in that, you know, how do you use these experiences, the failures and the mistakes and the setbacks to help clients in the coaching room and help them to still gain that momentum and make progress?

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Yeah. Well, I suppose the first thing, and I quoted very often on my social media, I quoted in talks and workshops that I do, the word failure doesn’t come into my vocabulary. It doesn’t come into my thoughts.

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And for me, you either win or you learn. And when you frame it in that way, even if something as a perceived failure and look at in my first business, there were a number of things that did not go the way I wanted them to go or they took longer.

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So rather than perceiving them as failure, I looked at, OK, what can I learn from this? What could I do differently that will get me near my goal more quickly? So I think if you if you take the learning from it and it’s not, you know, it’s not that I’m not one of these fans of this pop psychology of, you know, fake it till you make it.

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I hate that phrase and I have even the connotations of the word fake, but I think you have to act as if in your mind you are the successful person that you want to become. You have the successful life that you want.

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to have. But I think you need to, it’s not that you need to just eliminate and deny any negative emotion. I mean, we’ve all had emotions that are brought up, maybe something negative, anger, sadness, frustration in the last 18 months.

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And it’s about recognising that negative emotion and how you’re feeling and how it’s sitting with you. But it’s looking at what, what can I learn from this? And what can I do differently out of my learning?

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And that tends to prevent you from getting stuck in, in a period of negativity and getting stuck in a negative thought process, because we become, I mean, we become what we think about most of the time.

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And, you know, psychology has proven it, theology has proven it, quantum physics has proven it. All of the leaders and the thought leaders in this area have agreed on that one point that we become what we think about.

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So because our thoughts become our things, we need to be really careful what we put into our minds, particularly our subconscious. because the subconscious mind, in terms of our higher mental faculties, our subconscious mind works only on deductive reasoning, so it doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined.

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So our conscious mind can accept or reject a thought, our subconscious mind takes it as a fact. And this is where self-image comes in, you know, where if you’re beating yourself up about something or you’re saying, oh, I’m not good enough, or it was such a failure, that’s what your subconscious mind believes.

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If you’re acting as if you’re there already, that’s what your subconscious mind believes. And it’s much more compassionate as well, to see that, you know, just that change of wording from failure to learning, it opens your mind to possibilities as well, rather than narrowing it down by the sounds of what you’re speaking about.

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Yeah. And I mean, the one thing is where sometimes people that I meet say, oh, you know, your approach seems maybe a bit soft, and I’m the kind of person who maybe needs a bit more of a kick off the bum, and you know, I get those kind of phrases.

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I mean, by the fact that I’m a nurse by profession, empathy is something that I would pride myself as having, but so I’m not afraid to deliver a bit of tough love if someone needs it. But that tough love is from an empathetic place, and it’s from a place of what can you learn?

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What can you do differently? So it’s not a case of the person saying, oh, it just didn’t work out. It’s like, no, no, let’s let’s look at how you could have done differently and how you could react to respond differently the next time.

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Comes back to that, putting the person back into that accountability seat as well, isn’t it? Yes, completely, completely. Yeah. Zevo Health is a fully integrated workplace well-being provider. We understand that the workplace is constantly changing and evolving, and that every company has different goals and characteristics.

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So one of the other things that I’ve seen you speak about is this faith over fear. So are you able to talk to us a little bit more about how that might even, that process might hold people back from making the first step and what might arise?

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So I mean, we’re programmed with a negativity bias, thanks to a little caveman gland called the fear and actually every action we take in life is designed to either take us towards pleasure or remove pain.

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So that fear mechanism is ingrained in us, it’s built into us from a neurological perspective. Where faith comes into it is where you start to develop an awareness around what your beliefs are and how your beliefs are serving you and how you act out of those beliefs, what your habits are, what your behaviors are.

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So although if fear can serve, you know, if you’re conserving positive in terms of if someone’s setting a goal and I don’t feel there’s any fear around the goal, I would say the goal is not big enough.

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So it’s fine to have a little bit of fear because that’s actually a automatic response that drives us. But it’s around having faith and you know what I say to people is we have faith every day. I mean you have faith when you walk outside your door in the morning, you’re not going to be run over by a double deck or bus.

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You have faith that when you’re driving the motorway to go to meet a client or into the office, you know, you’re not going to be mowed out of it. You have faith when you’re in town shopping that you’re not going to be mugged and robbed and attacked, you know.

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So we do actually have more faith than we realize but I think it when it comes to faith in ourselves and I think in Ireland it’s definitely a cultural thing as well. Having faith in yourself and belief in yourself is seen in some ways as you know big-headed or you know getting above yourself.

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And I noticed that with US clients that I have you don’t tend to get that as much. They are okay feeling good about themselves. They are okay having belief. So that’s I think where belief comes into it and that’s really acting out of faith over fear.

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So when you’re acting out of faith you have absolute belief that you have it within you to get whatever it is you want. And the two questions you have to ask yourself are am I willing and am I able? So the am I able, you know, we’re humans only species on the planet that have the ability to think.

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So by the fact that the thought process that we have that faculty, higher mental faculty, we are able. You know if we look at things like inventions like the iPhone, the telephone, the car, the airplane, all came from people sitting down and saying then I’m able to do this, I have a dream, I’m going to make it happen.

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The am I willing I suppose is the more important question and that’s not necessarily where the faith comes in. That’s where you have to look at what am I willing to do, what am I willing to give up to get what it is that I want.

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I hope that explains it. Definitely it does and I think a lot of people will be able to relate to that you know in their own life experiences. It’s a process and I think that’s the one thing to keep in mind as I’m listening to you, you won’t get there overnight it’s step by step.

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Yeah and that’s where the growth comes from and I mean it doesn’t matter. you know, theology and science have both looked at this in terms of that our mind is motion, our mind is energy, we are particles, we are atoms, we are energy.

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And in order to get to a higher goal or a higher level of growth, you need to move that energy up. So you need to be more energy into whatever it is, whether it’s your self belief, whether it’s the action that you take, whether it’s your discipline.

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But I think one of the ways that you can develop faith is through study and through reading, because you develop understanding of yourself. And it all comes back to what level of awareness and understanding you have about yourself.

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The clients that I have that do the best, that are the most successful, that get the most out of the programs that I deliver, are the ones that are willing to look within. So they’re not blaming or complaining, or they’re willing to say, if it’s to be, it’s up to me, and they’re willing to make that happen.

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It’s very powerful and empowering when you think of it that way as well. It gives you back your choice to make that change. Yeah. And one of the things to actually do, and that’s a really good way of putting it, is one of the things that I get when clients say to me, oh, I can’t, or I couldn’t, I always say replace the word can’t in your life with won’t.

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And then it’s very, very different. So there’s a big difference between can and the people, people can what they don’t, and people who actually can’t do something. So if you replace your can’ts with won’t, then it’s a very different language.

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And putting in, okay, this is up to me here. That can be part of the empowerment. And in psychology and in mindfulness, we look quite a lot about the subconscious and these belief systems or thinking patterns that we might have and how they might hold you back or dictate your behavioral response.

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sponsors or actions and it’s interesting hearing the parallels in that and how you work. Would there be any specific techniques that you might use to help someone become more aware of their subconscious thinking patterns and how it’s directing their behaviour?

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One of the main things that you can do, where this has been tested through quantum physics, one of the the highest level of vibration that our body can be in is in a positive thought process. This has been measured with hundreds of studies on it.

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One of the easiest ways to put yourself in a positive vibration quickly is to do gratitude, to write out five or ten things every single day that you’re grateful for and that allows you to focus on positivity and it allows you to bring a positive energy.

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So if we were to hook you up to mechanical equipment and test your vibrational level and again as I said there’s been hundreds of studies done, vibration will raise when you’re in positive thought. So gratitude is a really really effective way to to get yourself into a positive state because it again it gets you to focus on what’s positive in your life as opposed to be focused on what’s what’s there as opposed to lack.

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So that that’s one of the simple most effective tools that you can do. The other thing that I would get people to do is I get them to focus on affirmations of what it is they want. So as well affirmations became kind of very popular with the law of attraction and I think the law of attraction actually there’s a lot of people who talk about the law of attraction and discuss the law of attraction you don’t necessarily understand it.

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So in terms of universal laws the law of attraction is actually a secondary law, the law of vibration. So the law of vibration states that we either you know everything is movement so we’re either creating or we’re disintegrating.

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So it’s the primary law so when we’re writing out affirmations about what it is we want but we’re seeing them in the present instance if we already have them again if you were to be hooked up to mechanical equipment as you do that your vibrational state would rise.

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So the vibration of the body would actually rise significantly when you’re doing things like that and again it’s because you’re going to affirm what you want in a positive you’re not going to talk about what you don’t want.

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If you’re talking about what you do want you’re seeing it as something that you already have that’s positive vibration. Yeah it’s very interesting how you speak about that because you spoke earlier about that stuckness and you know other language that we’ve heard in counseling and therapy sessions is it’s overwhelming I don’t know where to start I can’t do it as you mentioned earlier it’s not possible.

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And, and just kind of applying what you said to those situations you can see how debilitating how paralyzing it can be to even consider that you might have a different choice or a different path that you can walk.

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And I think hearing that is, is, is really, you know, it gives a simple strategy for people to start with. What would you say and have you ever come across this where an individual is saying, you know, times are so tough right now I don’t, I don’t, there isn’t anything that I can feel grateful for or I’m just at this point where everything is just so challenging and I’m finding yourself hard to cultivate that feeling.

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Yeah, I mean, that is common at the moment because it’s a fairly high level of anxiety. And the problem with anxiety is that people try to suppress anxiety. And eventually, that’s going to manifest in physical form and form as potentially for a depression because as you suppress it, it’s still there.

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Vibrationally in the body, it’s still there. If someone were to say that to me, I would challenge them to look at something in their life, even by the fact that they’re still alive today. So the fact that you and I woke up this morning and we have the power to be alive and to control our day and what we do.

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And there are people who maybe didn’t wake up this morning or there are families who lost someone this morning. So I would always get them to challenge at the most basic level the fact that they’re alive.

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Now obviously if there are mental health concerns around someone who can’t even get to that point and they feel so overwhelmed that they’re not sure, that’s not an area where I’d be talking about doing a gratitude list, that’s somebody who needs to refer for psychological health.

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But for the most part, I’ve never encountered that in my years of coaching where somebody couldn’t be at least positive about one thing or it could be a family member, it could be a pet, it could be nature.

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Usually if you look within, you’ll be able to find something. And you’re right that Anne-Marie in the sense of that this, especially in the pandemic, the simple things, having a house, maybe having food, those things that we might not even pay attention to during the working or general day.

Unknown speaker

And thank you for raising that point on the mental health piece. If there is an underlying mental health condition, coaching at that moment in time might not be the first thing that they need. Particularly if there’s any kind of suicidal thoughts or tendencies or someone feels so overwhelmed that they don’t feel there’s anything in their life that they can be grateful for, that’s probably a little bit of a red light.

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need more help than coaching. Exactly. And in your time as a coach and doing this work, what are the most common goals that people come to you to work on? I know you mentioned self image earlier. Is there any other key themes that you’ve identified in all the years?

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I think it’s 20 years you’ve been doing this now, isn’t it? Yeah, for the most part, it’s either probably career, or maybe a business goal. So I, some of the people I work with are self-employed. So their goals are usually around their business growth, the type of business they want to grow, the revenue, the lifestyle they want to have, or career, you know, one of the things I notice, and I feel it’s so sad,

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is that there are so many people who are not happy in their jobs, they’re not fulfilled in their jobs, they don’t feel their jobs are aligned with their purpose, their jobs don’t give them meaning. And I just think if there’s anyone listening to this that are in that position.

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Life is so short. We have won through with the dice and any one of us can do what we love to do, any one of us can. There were so many aspects of nursing that I loved, both things like the hours, the shift work, the night duty, the politics.

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They were things that I knew I was not going to be able to stay in clinical long term, but I knew helping people with something that I loved and you coaching with something that I loved. So it’s around finding where, what can you do that’s aligned with what gives you meaning and what gives you purpose.

Unknown speaker

So career and business will probably be the main two. The other thing sometimes people will come to me to work on is maybe a health goal. So just overall, their overall health in terms of where they are in their life and how they’re feeling.

Unknown speaker

That would be another thing, but probably more often than not it would be career. That’s really interesting what you say, because I always say, we spend the majority of our lives at work and before when we were in the office, you’d be with your colleagues more of the week than you would maybe be seeing your extended relatives or your immediate family if you’re not living with them.

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So it is important that people do feel that there is somewhere and a place and a career that may fit their lifestyles much better. And I think one of the other things that is common is this intrepidation around the amount of time that it will take to achieve the goal.

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And there’s a lot of pressure around what age are you right now? What are the goals that society has for you that you’re meant to reach or certain milestones that you’re meant to reach as by certain ages and whether you’re matching those societal standards or not.

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Do you see that as one of the main blocks? as to someone engaging in coaching. Yeah, it can be and yet two of my mentors, Bob Proctor is one of my mentors, 87 years of age, Jack Canfield, and I’ve studied both of these guys for 20 plus years, you know, Jack is in his early to mid 70s.

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So age, anything is a barrier if you let it be. And that’s the bottom line, whether it’s your age, whether it’s your height, whether it’s your culture, whether it’s the color of your skin, if you allow it to be a barrier, it’s going to be a barrier.

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And you know, and I look at myself in that, when I started my health business back in 2004, so I’d come back from the UK for workplace health was very nurse led to a country where it was totally doctor led.

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Now, people thought, particularly a nurse and that I had lost my mind when I said I’m going to set up a nurse practice. and I’m going to have it up written all over the country within 10 years. If I had five euro for every person who kind of looked at me and thought I don’t know where I’m raised going with this, I would be in the Bahamas now on my own yacht and so that could have been a barrier.

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So yes it was very doctor-led, yes there was a lot of education and workplaces around a nurse-led service but it wasn’t impossible so I didn’t let it become a barrier. I had no business experience, I failed business studies in secondary school.

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I was told to do a comic on it, which was all about cooking and sewing. I can do neither, I’m an average cook and I guess so. So I know that didn’t come from a business background, didn’t study business, I don’t have an MBA, I don’t have anything like that.

Unknown speaker

You know I was a nurse professional when I started in business and I just learned to communicate with people and talk to people and just you know be of service really to people. So again I could have thought oh well you know I’m not academically under the business qualification and I could let that be a barrier.

Unknown speaker

I quote some business owners who have business qualifications fallen off the end of the business card and they can’t sell. You know so anything can be a barrier if you let it but anything can be wiped out as a barrier if you choose to frame it and that and it’s all to do with the way we think.

Unknown speaker

You know what I say to people all the time is we find what we focus on. If you look for the positive you will find something, if you look at the negative you’ll find that. We always find what we focus on so if we are focused on things being a barrier and we think of them as a barrier that’s exactly what they’re going to be and if we look at them as an opportunity to learn, to grow, to change, to progress that’s exactly what they’re going to be.

Unknown speaker

Yeah it’s very true and I think as well in combination to what I’m hearing you say it’s also important to have those people around you who can help guide you so whether it’s a coach. whether it’s bringing that inner potential out of you, whether it’s getting someone who has that business knowledge, who can coach you in that area, it’s important to pull that in as well and have some additional support.

Unknown speaker

So I guess it’s that sense of, yes, the potential is within you, but you don’t have to know everything, but that’s why we have society, we have tribes, we have, you know, community. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.

Unknown speaker

And I mean, you’re the average of the people you spend the most time with. So you need to also kind of check in with, if you’re spending time with people who are negative and people who are all way over work, that’s going to very much reduce your own kind of vibrational energy, if you like, around any goal or any project.

Unknown speaker

Now, it’s not always easy to eliminate those people. I’m thinking of a client that I worked with recently, and she had a dream of leaving a very well-fed corporate job that she was miserable in. to start a passion-based business that she just really, really has dreamed about all her life.

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And she didn’t have buy-in from her husband, and she didn’t have buy-in from her kids. So I was like, okay, well, you can’t eliminate them unless obviously you want to, but we’re probably not advisable.

Unknown speaker

So let’s look at where you can just put a little protective bubble around yourself to make the project work. And again, sometimes you need a coach to bring out a different perspective. It’s not that you don’t have the ability yourself, but sometimes you need to see the ability yourself and you need to be pushed a little bit out of your comfort zone to actually get the growth.

Unknown speaker

And that’s where the success happens when you’re growing. Yeah, and growth is change. And I’ve seen through both personal and professional experience how when you start to change, your groups sometimes change with you.

Unknown speaker

You might have people leave your life, new people come in, and it’s that rebalancing that occurs. So it’s interesting as well. There’s a sense of people may experience a perceived sense of loss as they go through this change.

Unknown speaker

And I’ve seen in the counseling side of things when people are going through changes, they’re changing behaviors. It’s creating a ripple effect across other areas of their life. Yeah, yeah. And I think the way we in Dyer’s is brilliant where he says if you don’t change the way you look at things, the way you look at things are not going to change.

Unknown speaker

And sometimes when we change the way we look at things, things change. And that can bring challenges as well exactly like what you’re talking about. But that can that’s usually aligned with growth too.

Unknown speaker

It is indeed. Well, Anne-Marie, thank you so much for today. I’m wondering, do you have any closing comments that you want to make just for anyone who might be on the fence and you know, really thinking about if they want to make a change, where would you advise them to start?

Unknown speaker

I would say the first thing, one of the things that I offer is I offer a free 30-minute strategy session to people. It’s a no obligation. I don’t do a big sales push after it. You won’t be handed with emails, but you can go to the calendar on my website, which is mindsetsuccessstrategies.com.

Unknown speaker

But I would say the first place to start is look at what it is you really want. What is it that you really want your life to look like? What does success in your life look like for you? And that could be business.

Unknown speaker

It could be career. It could be relationships. It could be time off travel. It’s gonna be different for everyone. And then I use the on a scale of 10. On a scale of one to 10, I use that so often. So with one being I’m nowhere near where I want to be and 10 being I’m exactly where I want to be.

Unknown speaker

Where are you on that scale? And that will give you an idea of where you need to go, how much growth there is to be, where learning needs to come from. And just take one action every day. If you take one action every day, you’ll have done 365 things in the next year.

Unknown speaker

The chances of you being closer to what it is you might have done 365 things to get there is pretty high. And the gratitude, I think, particularly at the moment, just focus five or ten things every day that you’re grateful for.

Unknown speaker

And really, it’s not just about writing a laundry list or like a shopping list, really develop feeling and emotion around those things. That there would be my two tips. Set your goal and do your gratitude.

Unknown speaker

Thank you, Anne-Marie. I could talk to you all day. It’s been great hearing you talk about your approach and the work that you’re so clearly passionate about in helping people to achieve their potential.

Unknown speaker

So thank you for joining us today. Thanks, Amelia. And thank you to you, the listener, for listening to another episode of Zevo Talks.