Importance of exploring self-love during Valentine’s Day with Kristin Finkbeiner

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Welcome back to Zevo Talks, I’m your host Ashlyn. As a leader in workplace wellbeing, we want to try exploring new avenues and areas to keep you up to date with all that is going on in the world of wellness.

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I will now hand you over to one of our team of experts to explore all things wellbeing. Hey everyone, it’s Kristin here, Senior Health Coach with Zevo Health. So I’m here today to briefly touch on a topic that often comes up this time of the year, specifically around the holiday of Valentine’s Day, where expectations for romance, love, and attachment are, you know, really enforced in the media.

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And there’s often this pressure in society to accept and acclimate to public displays of affection. They’re constantly around you this time of the year as well. But Valentine’s Day can bring up some very raw emotions for people.

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What about you? What does your own attachment to Valentine’s Day feel like? Do you find yourself drawn to the day, feeling overcome with feelings of love and appreciation for your partner or other special people in your life?

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Or do you feel somewhat avoidant wishing that the whole world would just kind of give it a break already? Or perhaps defensiveness kind of rises in you and you feel an intense urge to tear up any love notes that you see floating around your office space.

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So whatever it is for you, no judgment, it’s your experience and it’s okay. But it’s just maybe something to keep in mind that specific holidays can often trigger specific sets of emotions and thoughts within us.

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And in the psychology world, these are known as schemas, which are basically mental patterns that we create to make situations more predictable. The brain prefers predictability and knowing what to expect, even if it means expecting the worst.

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And And schemas and expectations arise through previous connections we’ve made with specific people, situations, or events. But it can often feel like these reactions are unwarranted or confusing. Like what’s going on here?

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On specific holidays, you might have even noticed yourself thinking thoughts like, why do I find myself reacting this way? Am I the only one that’s unhappy right now? Or, in the case of Valentine’s Day, perhaps more relationship-focused thoughts arise, like love isn’t easy for me, maybe I’m meant to be a loner, or will I ever find my tribe?

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If any of these thoughts sound familiar or interesting to you, it might be worthwhile to explore the literature around mental schemas and attachment theory, or even better, discussing these topics with a therapist, because it can be a great way to make sense of your personal triggers around the holidays.

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But I won’t spend much more time on this topic today. Today instead we’re going to dive into a related topic, but rather than focusing on the reactions that might come in response to Valentine’s Day, we’re going to explore proactive ways to approach self-awareness and dare I say self-love in anticipation for the holiday.

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So you’ve probably all noticed that in recent years there’s been a big trend in focusing on the self during Valentine’s Day, such as Galentine’s Day, Treat Yourself, Anti-Valentine’s Day, and perhaps these celebrations are more enthusiastically adopted by those that don’t have a current partner or those that feel left out of the traditional celebrations around this time, but it definitely doesn’t have to be.

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Whether we find ourselves really enjoying or desperately opposing this holiday, it’s going to exist anyway and independent of our relationship to it, and I would argue that it’s worthwhile for everyone to take some time this Valentine’s Day to tune to the self.

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So perhaps this means gently focusing away from the outer societal world of expectations and judgments, and instead try tuning into the here and now with ourselves in this moment, seeing if we can consciously begin to cultivate some self-awareness and self-love this holiday season.

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Big disclaimer though, self-love probably isn’t as easy as wellness trends make it out to be. In fact, a lack of self-love can be one of the biggest motivational factors for people deciding to attend therapy, and there’s this big misconception around what self-love is or could be, especially as it continues to be a buzzword in wellness circles.

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You might have heard a few different terms floating around as well. Self-care is often confused for self-awareness and self-love, but these are all very separate concepts. So maybe think about going to a spa for instance.

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Self love isn’t achieved by going on the day spa, but the spa day could be a tool that allows you to connect to yourself on a deeper level and recharge your batteries so that you have enough energy to approach a relationship with yourself.

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Does that make sense? Self care is the way that we decide to manage our energy, and self awareness is the knowledge that we continue to develop as we tap into that energy in our own motivations, our needs, our beliefs, values, and ideas.

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Okay, well then what about the concept of self love? Well it might be easier to first try to take the self out of it and just try to capture the word love, but still then it’s not very easy is it? How would you define love?

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Does it feel like love is defined by pleasurable feelings? giving in to every indulgence that presents itself? Or does it feel more about an intense interest, a positive regard, and an unconditional acceptance, accepting fully what presents itself, however challenging?

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And perhaps love isn’t just about the positive feelings, but it exists as a polarity where uncomfortableness can be present, too. And it continues hovering a careful balance between other polarities, like giving and accepting, offering and receiving, you know, like a relationship, so to speak.

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Well, I don’t know the answers, unfortunately. And that’s because love is a subjective, elusive concept that is never gonna be an exact science. Even if podcasts or written articles try to make it seem like this multi-step process, love will never be fully undefined, and love will never be defined.

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But it’s probably because it isn’t meant to be. It’s meant to be something that you experience, not define. But if I were to personally try to get close to capturing the essence of what love is, I think the relationship aspect of it is key, especially in regards to self-love.

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So for me, self-love is the relationship that we develop with the self, as we become more aware of the self. So in this sense, it isn’t a state that you reach, but rather an ongoing dynamic process, a continuous unlayering of the self, discovering what exists deep within, and radically choosing to accept whatever it is that you discover.

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In this way, self-love, once again, can’t be captured by a definition because we’re unique as people. And different times, places, and seasons of our lives all influence this. There is an infinite amount of possible ways self-love can manifest.

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in the individual, and no matter our personal differences, self-love is an important intention worth continuously reaching for for a variety of factors. And there’s still a few universal truths that we can all try to keep in mind when working towards developing a relationship with this off.

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The first one being, you are the only constant in your life. And I like to think of a book here from mindfulness front-runner John Kabat-Zinn, which is titled, Wherever You Go, There You Are, Your Life Constant Companion.

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Through it all, through all of life’s chaos and uncertainty, and especially during all of the transitioning periods of your life, there’s not going to be any moment of your life that you won’t be with yourself.

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Of course, depending on how you define the self. But instead of focusing too much on a theory, let’s take a more practical approach. So practically speaking, you spend the majority of your time in your mind.

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And it’s estimated that 80% of our adult life is spent in our minds, where we do our stressing, our worrying, analyzing, comparing, reflecting, remembering, imagining and planning. And social scientist Dale Carnegie argues that 95% of our thinking time focuses just on ourself and our own story.

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So when you think about that, how many of these mental moments with yourself feel positive or negative for you? Well, the literature around the negativity bias suggests that more often than not, our brains are wired towards noticing the negative first.

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And this is across humans as a species, it’s not just you. This is kind of our default mode, you know, noticing the negative is a form of protection, so we can protect ourselves. However, considering we spend four fifths of our lives in our head, we should perhaps be more mindful around this inner environment, you know, try pruning and nurturing this environment, so that it becomes more of a tranquil safe space and less of a frantic war zone.

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The way that we positively interact with the self has major implications for our lives. This is probably because this inner dynamic interacts with everything else in our lives. The interpersonal relationships we create, the perceptions that we assume, the meaning of life.

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And all of these elements are influenced by this relationship that we develop with ourselves. Our self connection becomes the filter through which we see the world. And we might find the world seems tinged without an uncertainty when we ourselves are doubtful and uncertain.

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And on the flip side, it might be easy easier to trust and be vulnerable with the people around you when you are already used to giving yourself that non-judgmental space. With that being said though, there isn’t again any one-size-fits-all approach to creating this inner intimacy, but there might be some small steps that we can try to take today to start that intentional journey of developing acceptance,

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compassion, and a kind relationship with ourselves. Maybe first try asking yourself a simple question, what do I need right now? And see if you can be open to the answer. You might discover that you need connection with someone, perhaps you need a way to express built-up energy in a helpful way, or perhaps you need to experience a comforting sensation like a calming smell or a firm hug.

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By the way, self-hugs are a great way to promote self-confashion. But, no matter how small the need, see if you can make it a priority to attend to those needs where possible. We all know the saying, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so when we’re able to address our own needs, we’re not only able to better serve the needs of others, but we’re upholding a commitment of love to ourselves as well.

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Secondly, see if you can begin to tune in to your different environments and the vibes that you’re getting from them. This can allow us to discern between which environments are more promoting of self-love and which ones are kind of less helpful.

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Sometimes it can feel like you’re stuck in environments that aren’t helpful for you. While this might be the case for some of our major environments, like our family system or our workplace, in reality there are many ways that you can begin to curate your micro-environments to better suit your self-care needs and your boundaries.

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For instance, you might begin by tailoring your social media accounts, perhaps unfollowing profiles that normalize inadequacy, so this might be diet culture or extreme fitness programs and potentially more personal profile programs that encourage judgment over self-love, and these might even be people that you went to school with.

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This kind of pruning is an act of self-love because you’re establishing a boundary for yourself. You could do the same with your wardrobe, and we even kind of have a new verb for this, Marie Kondo-ing your closet, to kind of get rid of all the items that don’t spark joy or inspire a sense of peace, acceptance, and comfort.

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One small practice that can have a major spillover effect is practicing random acts of kindness. These can be large or small actions, but what matters here is that these actions are completed with the intention to spread kindness without expectation.

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So trying to do these acts with an organic sense of self-love, and this can often arise when initiating practices like random acts of kindness or gratitude and appreciation. Kind acts can have a powerful effect when they are sent outwardly to others, but maybe you see if you can challenge yourself to bring that kindness inwardly as well.

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Kristin Neff, a leading self-compassion psychologist, often suggests that offering yourself loving kindness is a great way to initiate self-love. This can happen simply by reminding yourself that you are human and you are worthy of love just as everyone else in the world.

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Perhaps you might try taking a few moments each day to offer yourself words of loving kindness. These statements might sound like… May I be safe, may I be happy, may I be free from pain, may I be alive and free, and may I experience inner peace and ease like everyone else.

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Try saying these statements or ones that come naturally to yourself each day and note the feelings that are produced. It might feel awkward, uncomfortable, or untrue for the first few times you try it, but notice any shifts that happen during your fourth day, fourth week, or fourth month.

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And although some may disagree, my guiding philosophy is that our unique reality shifts based on what we give attention to, and perhaps we can all start to give self-love a little more directed attention in our lives.

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Love is intentional, made up of awareness, acceptance, action, honesty, forgiveness, protection, and compassion. Today I encourage you to ask yourself, in what ways can I show myself love today? And I challenge you to act upon that intention.

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Start investing in that important relationship now. Because remember, no matter where you find yourself on Valentine’s Day, you will be there too. This has been Kristin with Zevo Health. I look forward to our next space together.

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Thank you for listening to another episode of Zevo Talks. Our team of health coaches are expertly trained to enable you to manage your own wellbeing. Tune in next time to listen to influential people making positive change in Ireland.